Emotions (not responding to logic)

He just isn't here anymore. Physically that is. My mind climbs the stairs to his room and then remembers all over again. Yesterday he moved. Yesterday I held my tears tight so he wouldn't be embarassed at the airport. My youngest son just 17 moving across the country. A good move. An awesome opportunity. He is with people who love him. I know it. Logic tells me so. Even my spirit tells me so. Ahh but my emotions just do not want to get in line with that today.

So typing and wiping the tears off my cheeks I am grateful for the normal things going on around me. Taking Lily to school. Dishes needing to be done. Annali not feeling well so I get to help with baby Lincoln for a while. A visit to my parents, taking a senior cup of coffee to Dad, who can't drive yet after his TIA last weekend, for his morning McDonalds coffee ritual. Thankful for the milder winter day and the bird feeder my nephew made for us as I hung it up today.

You know Abe wasn't always downstairs all day long, but he was home. When my mind travelled to where different ones of my kids would be, I could place them. So when I would think upstairs to Abe, I could place him there in my mind. I could count on being asked food questions throughout the day... What's for breakfast (or lunch or dinner)? I spent the last two weeks making as many of his favorites as possible knowing he would be leaving soon.

 And then "suddenly it came to pass" as one of my favorite passages in the Bible goes...because we seem to waaaaaaaait....at times for the answer to prayer and promises we are given and then suddenly it does come to pass...! With plans put together in an amazingly short amount of time and smoothly I should add, suddenly the day was here to get him to the airport.  And leave him there. After he crossed the threshold of scanners and places where only ticketed passengers are allowed to go...the place I could not go...because now the hands on day to day part of raising him was out of my hands.

For this to be hard and sad is not the indication of a hovering controlling mom. It is the normal releasing of a child by a proud, loving, mom who didn't know her time would be up so quickly. One who feels the emptiness there is when a child transitions. I know I will adjust. I know it is a new year and a new season in so many ways. I am not a complete empty nester, thank God. I just love my youngest son and today I miss him. In spite of all I can tell myself. And that is ok.